Me or You.

I sat down the other day and I thought to my self … what is my deepest pain?

Is it money, is it my mistakes, is it friends, is it relationships or is it me & my dead ends?

As I sat down reflecting on all these things and all the years that have passed by. All the years I wished , prayed and hoped you’d come by.

I realised it wasn’t the money or the friends, relationships or the dead ends. I realised deep down inside … it was you.

For so many reasons, I say it was “me or you” because I always picked you before me. I always picked to fight for what I knew I rightfully deserved, I know I deserved a “me AND you” like a together thing not a choice of “me or you”.

It was you … it was the “me or you”. The inconsistency, the disregard , the pain, the insults, the confusion , the words, the actions, My deepest pain is you.

In fighting, in anger, through words , through actions, through prayers & tears. I still stood in the gap for you. In my heart I still protected you and did everything you didn’t do. I always picked you.

I’d fall down & trip over the laces of my shoe, fall to the ground, stay flat on the ground, cry , then patch up all the bruises you can not undo.

I used to wait for you , to lace the laces of my shoe, but I had to stick to what was true. That you was never coming back to help me patch my bruise or lace my shoe. Very long after I stopped waiting for you.

Yet till this day and age I still pick you, but in trying to pick me I find parts of you. Parts of you I thought I long over grew , I realised the emotional abuse of picking you was internally beating me black & blue.

I just pray for internal healing because I still pick you.

Through it all, I will always love you.

Love ,

Daddy’s Girl x