A Fathers love…

A Fathers love

A Fathers love to his daughter…

Our love was cleansed in saltwater

Water. A substance needed for the body, good for the brain.

Bitter, sweet love that was bad for my health… I had nothing to gain.

Reminiscence a time when you were my comfort and friend

Once we were a father and daughter till the very end

Those days I longed for 

Until… BANG!!! you walked out the door.

The sudden change was strange

For this I hate the word “change”

Chapter 11 – my biggest fear was what will happen next ?

Skip the struggle of my childhood & Turn the page…

Chapter 20 –  So I write you this letter on how I rose above the family wrecks.

A Letter To My Dad

Dad. I do not fully remember this man.

I write parts of this letter with tears running down my face.  After one of those arguments we always have.

I Spent my whole life trying to prove I was worth it. To be the child you loved again. Then I passed the age of 18,  it got to a point where I don’t even care any more. The mental and emotional yearn of acceptance from my father was not going to happen. I accepted being your least liked child.

I only remember my love for you when looking at the family throwbacks,  you were a man I loved & adored & once upon a time the younger me would call you “Daddy“.

I tell you this, to me there is a difference between “Dad” & “Daddy”

If you know how you made me feel through out these years.

Pain, Hatred, Anger.

Emotions only my mind could understand.

A pain that I had never felt before.  They call this one Heartbreak. Dad, you caused my first heartbreak at the age of 7.

So tell me, how can another man break a heart that is already broken?

I didn’t know what you was doing to me – to my mind. Moving in & out of the house like our lives & emotions was some sort of a game.

Still, 14 years later I do not understand how I used to “adore” such a man.

I don’t remember our love  because I do not recognise this man that I now call “Dad“.  You wrote our story , you wrote MY story & messed up a lot of things subconsciously or consciously.

Now. Forget the physical, I am talking about mentally & emotionally all the things you  can not see is what you f*cked up. Scars you can not see so my hurting was displayed in my attitude and behaviour. God, was my father throughout and especially in my broken moments. I started to see traits of you in me. Anger.

My Life could have been different, and everyday  I prayed for different because I wanted the old you back. My old “Daddy” that would pick me up and hold me  so close to his chest until I fell asleep at night. My bestfriend – Remember when your pounded yam was OUR pounded yam?  You would  cut out the little pieces for me on the side of your plate before you started eating so I wouldn’t choke, remember?

If you don’t, I  remember.

I can remember it all suddenly happening. My world crumbling, I would cry every day to God & cry at the alter at church when it was empty for you to come back home but that was one prayer God never answered.

But Dad. Question, Why did you leave me?

You left me Scared. Confused. Isolated. Lost.

After this “change” I thought what is the worst that can happen, that has not already happened ?

You wasn’t even there on my special day – my first day of secondary school. You probably missed it on purpose when I called you to buy my uniform you told me there are second hand shops I could buy it from. Funny. You were  there on their special day, the first day of school for my siblings.

All I really wanted was an explanation and some answers. Naive little me trusted, loved & depended on a man who then made the most irrational & vast decisions when things got tough. A man who abandoned the children & a woman he says he loved  for his own benefits at one point  of our story pounded the woman he claimed he loved?

So Dad, you tell me  what is love?

Cause I’m not to sure. I had  so much love to share with the world as a child but it was snatched away by your decisions replaced with anger & pain.

I became an adult before a child, a husband to my mum when life got hard, we made family decisions together. I’d wipe her tears away at night.

Where were you?

A father to my younger siblings when they acted out of line & wasn’t moving right.

So Dad, you tell me what is love?

Cause I really don’t know. They say a girls first love is her father which is true. Although I was deprived from a fathers love by YOUR choice.

You never taught me how to love a man or how i deserve to be loved by a man.

So, Is love the abusive words you threw at me from childhood to adulthood?

“I hate you from the bottom of my belly” “you’re the ugliest child out of my six kids” “you’re a witch” “I would not pay for university for you to come & fail”

Tell me, How does a child or an adult comprehend all of this?

I will tell you how … Insecurities followed.

I coped with your unruly decisions & hurtful words.  Hoping you’d explain this sudden “change” or you’d “change” & become my “Daddy” again.

To you It is like my feelings did not matter or you maybe you just did not understand the mental effects this all had on me as child & and adult because that is how you were raised.

I mean, when I started secondary school, you decided to leave the family. When I started university, you decided to get married to another woman. It was like when I started a new chapter in my life you started another chapter in yours.

The attitude I developed, went against me. Now I have this mindset with everyone “If my Dad could walk out on me, if he could tell me he hates me & if he could act like im nothing then anyone can”. I am scared of starting relationships cause I feel I can ruin everything I touch because I was ruined – mentally and emotionally.

Once upon a time there was A man I loved, he was always there when I looked over my shoulder and he would pick me up everyday from school. Then one day everything “changed“.

I’m older now, I understand  you love me – us but I guess some people have a funny way of showing it. I understand your reason for leaving but I wish you tried a little harder to stick by us – your children.

I Know I am older now but do you understand the impact of you not being there alone?I just had to cope, act brave & fight through the hardship. There was no man to set the way or any  protection.

So I became tough, strong & brave all the things a man should teach me, my mum  & I taught me … but you know what they say “Pain makes you stronger” and I guess that is what happened.

I forgive  what has happened because I trust Gods plan & I say thank you because funny enough without you I became this strong tough woman I am today. Who is recovering from the mental and emotional scares. I had to figure it all out, alone it was sooo hard. Secondary school, college, university & juggling a part time job from the day I turned 16.

On the bright side, I’m finishing university this year Dad, without your support, Thanks. God was by my side every step of my journey. I just want you to understand the harsh words you said to me, the insults … I forgive, but they have never left me.

The Lord said in Psalm 18 vs. 35 – “You protect me with your saving shield. You support me with your right hand. You have stooped to make me GREAT”

So, Great I shall be.