Dear January – Hunger.

Dear Diary – January

Thoughts:

Am I content with where I am in life? …

Do I know where I want to be? …

How am I going to get there? …

Am I even who God has planned for me to be? ..

Do I even know who I really am ? …

I worry if the seeds I plant today will blossom … In a few years like …. What ’s really gonna happen  ?

All these questions, thoughts & it’s only January,  it’s like my minds going 1000mph, in fact a 1000 miles per minute.

& No one understands this constant battle cause i’m the only one that’s in it 

Sometimes I think Is this just adult hood ? Or am I bugging cause I get so worried about my future.

Its like as I get  older, wiser  the more I crave SUCCESS to come sooner…

 I mean, I’m proud. 21 a Nurse … but something just always doesn’t seem right.

My hunger for success has increased… therefore it must increase in my fight to succeed, right?

I want this & MORE but how do I balance this feeling … Damn, I feel ungrateful…

Butttt is it actually wrong to want this & more or to want it ALL if I’m coming from somewhere where I didn’t have anything at ALL??

Hmm. What about this passion, dream that I have but no clue on how to go about?

Slowly I feel the fear creeping in and this constant feeling of doubt.

The dream feels beyond me because nothing in this life is guaranteed.

&  what if I work for the dream in sight, to keep this dream alive …

&  years go by and nothing actually arrives?

Other days … I feel more tired, Life leaves me questioning to a point where I am uninspired

Cause I’m trying to be a better person holistically 

More time I am more obsessed with being a better person spiritually

Cause I just think everything else will follow emotionally, mentally, financially.

I want to be who God wants me to be & trust his plan with my life entirely 🙅🏾‍♀️

& It breaks my heart when I find my self failing him or doubting 

Cause really without him I have no stability or grounding.

He’s had me every time I hit a block I did not understand

So 21 years later why do I still doubt his plan?!?!

But I guess its about how many times you get back up every time you fall 

& Continue trusting in Gods plan above all.

 James 1 vs 2-3 – Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

xoxo